Category Archives: faith

Mile Twenty-Five

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My Mum (Liz, Elizabeth and Grandma), died on Wednesday 29th Dec. Only three months before, she had run in the London marathon but was pulled off the course at mile 19 – as we later found out she had advanced cancer in her bones. We have so much to be thankful for; she taught us how to be kind and somehow made everyone she met feel like royalty. We had precious time at home with her in her last three weeks. I am at peace that she is now at peace with Jesus, but it really aches. The tears are seasoned with gratitude. I wrote the following just before she died..

Mile Twenty-Five

Marathon Mum at mile twenty-five
Stopping to embrace the grandchildren
Asking the time of fellow runners
Glistening with care and a royal radiance

You set the pace and the tone
Treating everyone with grace
Seeing beyond schooling and position
Welcoming all with tea and time to listen

You had space for crying and craft
Home perfected by sticky glue and Swiss cows
Elegantly dressed with pearls, a blouse and muddy boots
Ready for adventures held in jars with string

You were scarcely frivolous but always generous
Budget pasties on the green, felt like a feast
Yet you couldn’t get enough sofas, sheep or little draws
And collected photos collated our lives

You have lived and taught us kindness
Rarely angry and always cross inspired
Full of thankyous, nothing too much
People first, kettle always warm

Elite Elizabeth, the final mile,
Still breaking your stride you care for us
Endurance Mum, last run home
Along The Mall and then your crown

Mum running the London Marathon 2021 at mile six. She was pulled off at mile 19 and shortly afterwards diagnosed with late-stage cancer in her bones. She died on 29 Dec 2021.

From This to That

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Some days the sky is regal blue and the seas are glassy still,
Walking in sun drenched paths hands clasped,
Moulding reality from hope-filled dreams,
Peace at last…

Is shattered by process,
Shards cutting tender skin,
Splinters pierce, torpedoed deep,
These days the darkening storm stirs the waters into chaos.

This raging ocean within my mind is hard to swim against.
Clumsy powers choking out the rediscovered joy of life.
Yet He comes walking the waters of my mind,
Leading me from this to that.

Storms stilling,
Grace leads me,
From this to that,
Resting in the King.

Feet up, rest up.

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I am an activist. I would much rather be doing something rather than nothing. If I can be creating or organising then I feel at home. Even in my rest times I would rather be active. Walking, making something in the garage or my ideal, running. Part of the reason I love this sort of resting is that it gives me thinking and praying space.

When I was at collage we would have Wednesday morning lectures on spirituality. They were always followed by silence, hours of it. I would ache and scream. The quieter it was, the more I wanted to get up and shout something. But then one day the lecturer talked about finding rest and stillness in movement. Something clicked. He spoke about how some people needed to move in order to find that inner stillness that allows thoughts and concerns to surface. I was listening, he was describing me. Suddenly sneaking off for a run in the times that I was suppose to be silent and praying had been affirmed and I could finally make sense and find peace.

Almost 20 years on, the creativity and the running have become my go to place for resting. If every I get stuck or have had a stressful day, a few miles on the road and the days trouble are settled.

And yet….

There is another sort of rest that I have also learnt over time to embrace.

Just sitting and doing nothing.

Stopping, setting down.

Sleeping.

In the sun – the best rest.

That is what is needed today. Feet up, rest up.

(and planning a 13 mile run before the of the day…. but for now… sleep.)

Are you a blessing or just getting

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The bombardment of things I must get so that I can be happy is overwhelming. The internet was suppose to connect us with community, but increasingly it just divides us in to tribes at war. All the while it feeds us a diet of self sufficiency and selfishness as the route to happiness.

What has the christian community, that is suppose to be a blessing to the world, got to offer in this context?

Being part of a christian community is so good and that is part of the problem. We connect with others from different parts of society. We gather in large groups with the purpose of being an encouragement to each other rather than having to compete. We eat in each others homes. In an increasingly fragmented world, the christian community is so good and truly connected.

So how could we relearn how we are suppose to be a blessing to those around us? How can we reconnect with our mission to make disciples? How can we put the tools to do this in the hands of followers of Jesus who may not feel like evangelists? In the last couple of days I think I have been introduced to such a tool.

For the last two days I have been on what is best described as a conversation, rather than a conference. Hosted by Ivy Church in Manchester and run by New Thing, the Catalyst Community is equipping us to be a churches that multiply rather than die. So much good content and conversation. But perhaps the best and most useful seems to flip the switch from a church community that is just following the culture and “getting” to remembering how to be a “blessing”. It is simple and follows the letters in B.L.E.S.S.

Begin with prayer – as you go who are you praying for?

Listen – as you go, listen to people, their story is important.

Eat – invite people to eat with with you. It is really intimate and builds relationships.

Serve – find ways to serve and help people

Share/Story – your story has power, share it with people and as you do so you will be sharing the good news of Jesus.

So simple and transferable. We will be using this at All Saints I’m sure. How about you?

Same actions, same results?

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For years the bills would come into our home. I would open them with the same surprise and fear that people wanted money for the services that I had used. Then I would place the bills on a pile in the hope that the money would come in sometime soon and that I may at a future date remember to pay the bills.

Then the reminders would come, I would have to scrabble around, find the money and make the embarrassing call. Every month doing the same thing. Every month hoping that something would change. But unsurprisingly nothing did change.

Then someone introduced me to the idea that I could pay all the bills in one go in advance. I simply calculate how much the bills totalled the average month, place that amount of money in a different account at the start of the month, then set up direct debits for every bill. Since then, the bills have been paid on time and I have worried less.

The same action produced the same result. A changed action produced a different result.

Since WW1 the Church of England has declined by about 1% every year. There are some exceptions to this, but with the current trajectory the Church of England could have all but disappeared in the next few decades. Even the best projections for the recruitment of clergy are in fact a plan for decline1.

The Church of England has a tag line of “a christian presence in every community”. Yet despite decades of writing, reflection and calls to actions, we do the same things in the same places. We put on services, run by priests in church buildings. We seem unable to accept that we are no longer able to provide this even though the cost is huge and the operational requirements overwhelming. We do the same things we have always done, potentially endangering the collapse of the whole organisation. Yet we expect the results to be different.

If we want a different outcome, we have to change the actions.

We have to go back to the core things that we have been called to. Making disciples who make disciples. It’s not about services, or buildings or priests. Until we get back to making disciples, we can’t expect the church to grow. Jesus has given us a job, to make disciples, then he will do what he has promised – to grow the church.

Lets change the action then hopefully we will see a different future emerge.

  1. There were about 7230 anglican full time paid parish clergy in 2018 . This was a ratio of 1 clergy to 7742 population. Based on the most optimistic deployment levels for 2031/5 there would be 7610 clergy at ratio of 1 clergy to 8641 population. Therefore even thought a recruitment increase of +50% is being talked about, even the most optimistic number are a real terms reduction. ↩

No more prep, race day tomorrow.

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There comes a time when the training’s done and the running almost begun. Some last minute checks on the gear. Attaching numbers to vests and tags to shoes. Buying post run snack and pre run energy drinks.

One more sleep, if I can. Then an early train. The usual waiting and pacing before the off. But really there is nothing left todo. Just show up and run.

I am so grateful for all the encouragement and the huge generosity of every supporter. CUF do such great work in some of the poorest communities, thanks for helping change lives.

It will be amazing to run tomorrow, the cheer of the London crowd leaves a precious mark on the heart. But more than that, it is such a privilege to run with my brother (almost 50) and mum who is 75! Some how she manages to look almost regal, even after 26.2 miles.

Someone sent me this verse from the bible:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us!

So apt for a marathon, just wish I could have lay aside a little more weight, then I would stand a chance of running a little faster. But it’s even more true of life. We have to leave some things behind and run the race before us.

If you have not yet had the chance to sponsor me, there is still time:

https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/marksearlelondon2018

Autumn Hope – learning to see

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IMG_0268

Autumn has been exploded by the passing summer.

The same colours, but magnified a thousand times over.

Nature, but zoomed in.

 

This time of year used to overwhelm me.

Fading colours, greying sky.

Life withdrawing, sap hiding, the slow death of autumn.

 

As if working through a familiar gallery.

Seeing for the first time the dusty old masters.

This time drawn into there beauty.

 

Summer pinks fade and fall.

Replaced by a spectrometer of pre-drop glory.

The earth awash with brilliant browns.

 

Something’s shifted.

Same season, but…

Now I see hope extravagantly painted everywhere.

What I Think About When I Run

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People often ask what i think about when i am running. It is often closely followed by, “don’t you get really bored”. I am a thinker, a prayer and a dyslexic. Often my thinking and praying get stuck. But when I run, everthing clears again. So i thought I might just jot down some of the things I think and pray about when I run… “what I think about when I run”.

10k, 44:41(PB), Sunday evening.

    • Is today a PB for my 10k.
    • The man who drowned in the harbour.
    • Prayed for LB as I have not seen her in church for ages.
    • J who said this week he “experienced” the bible for the first time.
    • Vision is like running, big plans but still only happens one step at a time.
    • Torquay homeless.
    • Turning the church into a shelter and set of business units.
    • Electronic filing (yes dull).
    • Sleepy Torquay.
    • Churches working together, reminded of the three streams picture.

    Mind Trips

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    Some days I am overwhelmed by how amazing life can be. Yet in the very same moment how I can be underwhelmed by the frailty my own thinking. 

    The reminder came on the back of a really good week. We changed the Sunday worship structure; finally. Got all the kids back to school; just getting to the end of the day sometimes feels like an achievement. Saw my eldest in an open air play that he has been rehearsing for months; proud Dad moment. Enjoyed good food in excellent company. Joined a strange ceremony when the first full time curate (Trainee Vicar) for St Mags since 1978 was ordained at Exeter Cathedral; happy vicar moment. (We even managed an amusing Neo/Matrix Vicar pics.) Then day one with new curate, including deep conversation and spontaneous prayer on the street. Life and work is good, so what would possibly go wrong? Just a phone call and an old mind trip.

    Have you ever tried to phone a big company but talk with a specific team. All is fine unless the team concerned are not customer facing, have closed your case and even making a formal compliant does not get you a call back. But to understand the depth of my frustration you need to understand that I am dyslexic. 

    My other half says that I even have car park dyslexic. Most of you will not understand the issue, but it is a massive problem. There I am zipping down the motorway and all is well, then I turn off to the services and suddenly I have no idea which way to go. The signs and arrows may as well be in a Japanese. I have no idea where I am an most of the family have to give me directions. Five back seat drivers is just what you need when you’re feeling directionless.

    But the problem also translates to sort codes. Getting the account number right for a bank transfer is easy, cut, paste, job done. But the sort code is more difficult. You can only put in two digits at a time, so cut and paste seems a waste. But when I type the numbers, I read what I think I have written. (Like anything I publish it is prone to errors.) If I have made an error I don’t see it. Info entered, check by one of the kids (no guilt needed) transfer done….. £700 sent to the wrong account.

    I honestly don’t have that kind of money to make an error with, but the frustration comes not with the thought of having messed up, or even having lost a large sum of money but with what happens next.

    A few years ago the legislation got changed around faster payments (instant inter bank transfers) in order to protect customers like me. The deal is this, the bank makes a mistake you get the money back, you make a mistake and the bank will help your get the money back. What is more, is there is the protection of the law. If you receive a payment in error into your account then you are legally obliged to return it….. Except that in this case, my bank will not help (Santander), the receiving bank will not help (Barclays) and I found out today that the is no money left in the receivers account anyway. He has spend the flipping lot! No, he has spend money that was intended for a holiday and now I could use to spend on school uniforms and food…..

    But is gets worse. I have in fact received a little money back, £35.15. I have even had a letter from Santander telling me so and detailing the case number. So I follow the instructions on the bottom of the letter and give them a call to find out what is going on.

    The bloke who answers is helpful enough, but can he put me though to the right team? Getting to speak to his manger was easy. Manager one is friendly but clearly knows nothing, so I pressed for her manager, this is a bit more difficult. We get there after some sharp words. Manager level two is highly trained in shutting customers down but now I am on a roll and demand to speak to the team who wrote to me. He makes a school boy error and gives me flannel about the issues I am facing, trying to tell me definitively what has happen. I know he can’t do this and he is making it up. So I press in and finally speak to “Em”’ the manager of managers managers. It is clear that this is a far as I am going to get today. How can you tell? Because this one of not afraid of the silence. Em is not going to hang up, or give me what I want or lose his cool. But then it happens. The mind trip. 

    Suddenly I am in front of my bank manger as a student. He is telling me that they are withdrawing their banking services and I will have to repay my student overdraft with in the week. Power shifts, and the mind causes me to stumble. Extreme frustration over my error and a corporate system designed for profit rather than customer satisfaction connects with events from over twenty years ago. My mind trips out.

    I sat. I journaled. I read internet tech news. I help my youngest with 11+ prep. I walked the dogs. I eat good food. I prayed. I tried. But my mind got me, tripped me up, took me back to being that young man in the bank and I was overwhelmed.

    A few hours later and I am at peace again. Sure of who I am, comfortable with my failings and resigned to my error. But also reminded that I (as I’m sure are you) am never far away from the my old mind trips. So tonight I pray, more than ever that I would be transformed by the renewing of my mind. That my loving Heavenly Father would heal and shape my thinking so that I can live in wonder of who he is and what his is doing. 

    Experts in nothing

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    Expert?An expert: a person who has special skill or knowledge in some particular field.

    We live in a world of experts, for finance, education, medicine and just about every profession imaginable. Except one. Christian leadership, or more specifically, the role of the priest in the wider community.

    It dawned on me this week while I was on a brilliant training course. In passing our tutor said, “you are not the experts”. She was speaking to a room full of priests. She did not mean that we were experts in nothing, but simply that we were experts in nothing that mattered in relation to our current topic of study. But the lights came on. As far as our culture is concerned priests are now experts in nothing.

    It used to be that priests led the way. We were at the forefront of education, scientific research, welfare, art and even politics. The broad structures and influences of our culture were shaped by christian leaders, even priests. We were integral in developing a more reasoned and just society.

    Somewhere we stumbled and now find ourselves on the back foot. No longer are we supposed to have a voice in politics, we are to be quiet on the ethical developments in science and medicine. We have to speak carefully in education and our schools treat us with suspicion. Instead of being at the cutting edge of care we are often cut out because our motives are questioned. Yet the volunteer network of everyday christians fill that gap left by governments on the front line.

    The training for a priest can take up to seven years. We are trained in public speaking, care for the dying, building maintenance, team dynamics, exegesis, policies, history and even recruitment. Most of us will have continued to develop professionally. For me this has included experience in safeguarding, addictions, visual thinking and organisational change. We are not suppose to know everything but we are a resource to our communities whether they come to church or not.

    We are experts, but experts in nothing that matters. Our specialist skills no longer valued by culture. Yet we unknowingly ponder if it is time to hand over the final set of keys. We are potentially on the cusp of surrendering our understanding and expertise in scripture to the mute god’s of this world.

    This though is a culture with a sick heart. Already it is short of breath and stumbling. Unable to think clearly, unable to care beyond itself. A culture that has stopped looking out for those who can’t care for themselves. It has begun the retreat back to the safety of the castle in the vain hope that we will have stored enough for the coming winter.

    Doing things our own way brings short term stimulation but in the longer term our newly defined identities will be found to be as fragile and shallow as party politics. The foundations of our culture have been sacrificed on the altar of self satisfaction. Yet this torn out core is the very field that we priests can, if we have courage, rightly claim our expertise.

    It turns out that we are not experts in nothing as our culture would have us believe. But instead in everything that matters. We hold on to meaning, identity, quality of life, care for others and even our world. We do these things because we have a narrative that defines us beyond our age. That roots us in our creative loving God who is for us. He teaches us to be selfless rather than selfish. That our identity is not something that we can self define but is defined in relationship with him. That life has meaning beyond matter and that meaning matters.

    For today our expertise may not be recognised.
    As our culture crumbles this is definitely not the day to hand over our remaining expertise. We have a message to bring, long abandoned and misunderstood but one that stands the test of time. We may be experts in nothing but we are experts in all that matters.